Don’t make the pain pretty with the theory of gratitude; be hurt, be pissed, be furious, be weak. Be where it’s ugly and uncomfortable — without adding sweetener to it.
Spare yourself the karmic explanations, the family of origin connections, the “it’s all good” bullshit. -Danielle LaPorte
I read this and paused.
For me, these last few months have been a lot about gratitude. Call it what you may, but I know I’ve been fortunate. Feel it with every breath I take.
Escaping the oncoming train with a moment left.
And so it caused me to pause and wonder whether all the gratitude I’d been feeling and expressing was bullshit.
A failure to truly accept the hand I’d been dealt.
I thought about it for a while, tussled with it. It was agitating. Time and time again I came back here to write.
And found myself without words.
Because what if I’ve been delusional? What if all the serendipity, the breathtaking coincidences that served me so well, were just that – simple coincidences?
What if my positive attitude was a figment of my imagination?
What if? What if, indeed.
I don’t believe in coincidences, and I know myself well enough to be certain that when I’m angry or when I’m frustrated and furious I feel every damn bit of it.
And that’s not how I’ve felt, at least not about this. I’m human, after all, and there certainly have been events and developments that have made me sad and angry and hurt these last several months. But they haven’t been about my diagnosis; rather, they’ve been in spite of my diagnosis.
So, I decided, despite the unpredictable twists and turns I’ve faced, I’m so incredibly grateful. I think we, as humans, can feel deep gratitude even in the face of those tangles that mess up our well-laid plans.
And I don’t believe that’s foolish or naive. Tangles can be beautiful too.